Disconnect

There is a disconnect between my head and my heart.

In one, I know that God is good. Bigger. The only Thing worth pursuing in this world.
In the other, my emotions wreak havoc. Stirring up doubts. Questions. Anger.

But the sole encouragement that remains through it all is that none of those things change the Truth. Including my misperception of it.

Lately, I’ve been taking a lot of walks. Not only because the weather has been warmer, thawing the residual frost left by a long, hard winter, but because I find the need to be alone. To disconnect. I suppose it is, in part, an attempt to distance myself from the sadness, the remembering, facing the reality that is the new normal. Of course that’s a feeble attempt at an impossible task but the quiet is good for a soul.

Want to know what else is good for it?
Sunsets.

By the time I get home from another long day of burying myself in the distraction of endless to-do lists and tasks, the sun is just setting.
Have you seen–really seen–the sun set lately?
God doesn’t hold back.

Image

The color, the brilliance, the rays that shine uninhibited by the clouds.
All just a small taste of God’s glory.
A glimpse of Heaven.
Our view of Ben’s new Home from the other side.

It’s in those moments, where my feet are frozen and eyes are fixed on the light, that I remember I am not walking alone.
The same God Whose Hands paint each sunset hold mine.
His arms are more than wide enough to embrace my doubts, my anger, my questions–and still wrap around me.
And they do.

While I still feel so irrational, inconsolable, angry, confused, and at a loss… those sunsets continue to shine. A new one every night.
It’s almost as if God knew I needed the reminder. My emotions are–and will forever stand to be–a storm that cloud my view of a world I used to know in brighter hues, but that sun is still rising. And setting. Shining perhaps all the brighter against the defeat of the clouded contrast.

He hasn’t gone anywhere.
Nothing can diminish the Light.
Even on days when I fail to see it.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”
-Lamentations 3:22-23

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